The Secret Life of Bees, Chapter 3: Ballerina
Chapter 3: Ballerina
by Pippi Blondestocking
Disclaimer: The Hunger Games belong to Ms. Suzanne Collins, Scholastic, and Lionsgate Entertainment. The Secret Life of Bees belongs to Sue Monk Kidd. Ballerina belongs to Leona Naess, and I use it because it reminds me of Katniss and Peeta’s relationship in Mockingjay where she realizes that she loves him and cannot have him. (Ugly sobbing.)
Thanks to: SavannahHershey, my beta and fangirl-in-crime, and somnambulance (and check out her story, A Thousand Kisses Deep)!
Ships: Katniss/Peeta, (Haymitch/Effie, Delly/Thom, Gale/OC)
Summary: Peeta comforts Katniss after a nightmare, and she opens up to him about a new weakness.
Rating: M for mature language, violence, and explicit sexual situations.
A/N: Thank you as always for the reviews and kind words. I know it’s a bit AU/OOC—I just can’t see Katniss returning to the hunt after the Games. And I’m trying to heat things up—just kind of slowly. I’m not sure myself how quickly Peeta and Katniss grow back together, and I want them to take their time.
I’ll never feel the weight of your hands
Inside mine like diamonds—
Lace-so fine, ballerina.
Cupcake and my earthquake
Wakes me from my sleep that
Never comes, are you breathing
Waiting for me?
“Come back to me,” Peeta coos against my forehead, and I pull back.
“Always, Peeta, always,” I mumur and look into his eyes, and I see that they’re not dead—they’re tortured. He knows what I’m going through, and it’s killing him that he can’t fix it. “Tell me what happened.” He leans his chin on my forehead. He has stubble now. I can’t stop thinking about how sexy stubble is on Peeta. I pull back and bite my lip. This part sucks. The talking part sucks. I’m no good at it. Dr. Aurelius says I need to talk to myself more. I tell him I think he’s crazy and he’s trying to make me go batshit crazy.
I didn’t really want you,
But I want you now—
Was so foolish of me,
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room.
The lights went out,
I want to rescue— want to scream out loud.
I tell him about my nightmare, calmly recounting all the details. Our breathing has synced up, and I can feel our hearts beating as one, and I know that Peeta suffers from the same nightmares every night. I tell him about the mutts, and I feel his body harden and I worry that he’s gone to a bad place, and that I’ve triggered a hijacking. But he just holds on tighter, so I tell him about everyone I see in my dreams. Prim and Rue and Thresh and Clove and Glimmer and Foxface and Cato and Boggs and Johanna and Finnick and Mags and Beetee and my mother and my father and Madge and Delly and Gale and his parents and all of the children in the Capitol and suddenly everyone blurs and I can’t see through my tears or articulate words through my cries. So he just wraps his arms around my back, and lets me sob into his collarbone. He’s got great bone structure. Peeta lets me come to.
I didn’t think I needed you
But I need you now—
Was so empty in me,
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world.
The music stops,
I want to rescue— want to scream out loud
“You will always be mine.”
“Peeta, it’s like when I see them in my nightmares, they’re animals. I can’t even see them as people. It’s like I’m losing my humanity…” I’ve never even admitted this to myself, and now I’m telling Peeta. He nods. His eyes are so full of sadness. I can’t stop talking. I have word vomit and it won’t stop coming up. “Peeta… during the Games, I lost the ability to distinguish between animal and human. Everyone just became… the animal. And I was hunting them…”
“Not real, Katniss. Not real. You never lost yourself, you never lost your humanity. Don’t think that they took that away from you. Don’t let them win,” he says, holding my face in his hands. “I have to tell myself every goddamn day that they didn’t take that from me. That they tried in vain to take my humanity away from me. They didn’t. And that I am still me. I am still Peeta Mellark. You are still Katniss Everdeen. We are alive. We survive. We are still ourselves. Battered, bruised, and broken. But we’re still here. Don’t let them take that away from you.” His eyes and face are so sincere. I believe him.
The room spins,
Pull you from me—
My body burns.
Tell me all the rainbows,
The colors that the rain throws.
Ballerina, dance softly,
She knows when to come only
When she’s called on, slowly coming to—
“That’s a good pep talk,” I laugh quietly. He’s right. I have to keep living, or the Capitol wins. He nods, his nose touching mine. He strokes my cheek. Having a complete and utter breakdown isn’t so bad after all.
“Katniss, what’s bothering you? And don’t give me a smart-ass answer.”
I have to be honest with him. It’s heartbreaking for me. The Capitol has taken something away from me, something I can never get back. But I have my Peeta. I have to be honest with him. He’s the only person who really understands, the only one I can really trust. I’m just afraid to disappoint him.
“Peeta, I can’t hunt anymore,” I finally say numbly. He pulls me closer to him. I start crying again. Hot fucking train wreck mess. He rubs my back. I’m not supposed to be turned on. I am. I’m so weak.
“That’s okay, you don’t have to hunt anymore,” he says finally. But now I want to tell him why.
I didn’t really want you,
But I need you—
Was so foolish of me,
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room.
The lights went out
Want to rescue— want to scream out loud.
“I CAN’T HUNT ANYMORE BECAUSE EVERY TIME I TRY TO KILL SOMETHING, IT’S LIKE I’M IN THE GAMES ALL OVER AGAIN AND I CAN’T BEAR TO TAKE ANYMORE LIFE. I JUST CAN’T DO IT. HUMAN, ANIMAL— IT’S ALL THE SAME TO ME NOW AND I CAN’T DO IT. IT’S NOT MY RIGHT, IT’S NOT MY PLACE, AND IT’S NOT MY CALLING TO TAKE LIFE AT WILL FOR MY PLEASURE AND SATISFACTION. NO MORE.” Now I am in full melt-down mode. I am plastered against Peeta’s chest and it feels great, because every time he draws a breath, I feel him expand with life against me. In and out, in and out.
I compose myself. Kind of. I look into his eyes. They are warm now. He brushes my stringy wet hair out of my eyes. He cracks a smile.
“Sounds legitimate, Katniss.” But I’m not done yet. So I keep rambling.
I didn’t think I wanted you,
But I want you now—
Was so empty in me,
Feel you crashing down,
Into the empty world
The music stops,
I want to rescue— want to scream out loud,
“You will always be mine.”
“I just can’t do it. Every life I take won’t bring back the ones that I lost and took. And I just feel like when I’m hunting, I’m losing my humanity.” He nods, he gets it. I have uncontrollable word vomit.
“I used to love hunting—how close I was to the earth, to the animal, to my father, to Gale. And the Capitol took that joy away from me, it took that interconnectedness and sense of belonging away from me. Hunting became a curse, not a gift. And I’ll never get it back.” I feel so badly—here’s Peeta, comforting me, and I’m talking about Gale. What the hell is wrong with me?
“Real.”
“I want to be a whole person again, but I’m never going to find myself if I force myself to do something that I’ve come to hate and strips me of my humanity.”
“Real. You don’t have to love it anymore. They turned your greatest talent into a weapon against you. So don’t let them use it anymore.” Peeta is a fucking sage. A national treasure. I’ve never been more aroused.
So, so sorry—
Just come back for me now.
So, so sorry—
Just come back to me now.
Or soon…
I swallow. Hard. I’m afraid that if I stop talking, he’ll leave. And then I’ll be alone with my thoughts and a cat that wants to eat my face off. “I’m… I’m not going to hunt anymore, Peeta.” But now that I’ve said it, I am overwhelmed with the anxiety. How will I survive and take care of myself if I can’t hunt for my own food?
“Good.” He hasn’t let me go yet. This is going swimmingly. “But? Say it, Katniss—admit it.” He sounds like Dr. Aurelius. My heart is aching. My voice is breaking. Acceptance is the key to recovery.
“How will I survive?” I cry, letting more hot, wet tears spill onto his cheek. “How will I take care of myself? How will I take care of you? How will I survive? How will we survive? I CAN’T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU.”
Oh God, that’s it. I sound like a teenage fangirl fawning over a Victor in the Capitol. He’s going to think I sound like a ridiculous fool. He’s going to pull away at any moment. But he doesn’t. He cradles me against his chest, rubbing my back. I can feel his well-kept fingernails under the thin fabric of my tank top. THINK UNSEXY THOUGHTS. Finally, Peeta says something.
“Katniss, you don’t have to survive alone. You have me.”
“Real.”
“We take care of each other.”
“Real.”
“I’m a baker— how are we going to starve? We’re not. I can bake enough bread for the both of us.”
“Real.” I’m hugging him like I have never hugged anyone before. How silly of me to think that Peeta was going to let us starve. Maybe I’ve already started to lose my mind. And just like that, he holds me. He holds me for as long as I need him to.
I didn’t think I wanted you,
But I want you now,
Was so foolish of me,
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room.
The lights went out,
Wanted to rescue— want to scream out loud…
“Peeta?” I whisper into his ear. He grunts. “I didn’t mean it… about Gale. I just… miss my best friend and hunting partner. But the Capitol took him away, too. In another life, he was another person. And he’s gone, both by circumstance and by choice. But I don’t need him to survive. I need you.”
For awhile, Peeta is quiet. But then I feel him nod. “I understand. Always.”
“Real,” I breathe into his neck. His fingers are curling in my short dark hair. I feel like I can finally pull away. I hold his face between my hands, feeling his new stubble with a smile creeping across my face, scarlet blooming on my cheeks. I see scarlet speading on his cheeks, where my hands hold him fast. When I look to the window, the sun is setting in the west. It’s Peeta’s favorite time of day. “What time is it?”
Peeta snorts. “It’s late. It’s dinnertime.”
“How long have we been here?”
“As long as it takes.” He kisses the salty tears off my cheeks, and I feel his eyelashes against my skin, and my stomach turns wildly.
Wordlessly, we get up off the end of me bed, and we head downstairs. Peeta makes us breakfast for dinner. Haymitch does not come over, nor Greasy Sae. Just me and Peeta. It’s not so bad. Just strange. We clean up. We don’t work on the book tonight. He holds me on the couch, in front of a roaring fire. Peeta kisses my forehead and goes home. I try to sleep, wrapped up on my couch. I don’t know how well I slept, but at least my dreams were forgettable at best, and I woke up feeling as though I found something.
I didn’t think I needed you,
But I need you now—
Was so empty in me,
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room.
The lights went out,
I want to rescue—want to scream out loud
“That you will always be mine.”
